Three years, four months and two days.

That is how long I have been breastfeeding.

Since I gave birth with my first son, I have never stopped nursing. Even when I learned I was pregnant with my second boy, I kept at it and breastfed my toddler throughout my pregnancy until I was in active labor. Yes, there were challenges during those times, like ultra-sensitive breasts and uncomfortable positions, but I just kept going.

However, if you asked me from three years back how long I planned to breastfeed, I would have told you I will do it until my child is one year old. And I would have said it with all conviction.

3 years, 4 months and 2 days.

Wow, I can’t imagine I lasted this long in our breastfeeding journey. Breastfeeding, in itself, is an arduous mommy task. It is definitely not for the faint heart  {but hey, neither is motherhood!}. Yet look at me now tandem nursing two voracious nurslings.

What kept me going, you ask?

Initially, it was the thought that my baby solely depends on me to be nourished. Then, as I was learning all these amazing things breastmilk can do not only for babies and toddlers, but for mom too; I was all the more convinced to continue breastfeeding. Eventually I found like-minded mothers who provided support and encouragement to one another. After that, it wasn’t about me and my children anymore. I became more aware how breastfeeding can save lives, care and empower women, alleviate hunger and poverty, provide environmental sustainability, and so much more. I wanted to extend myself to help other mothers understand and master the art of breastfeeding too.

But I don’t want you to think I am all perfect when it comes to breastfeeding. I had my share of “downfalls” too.

Like that time I was hospitalized for more than a week and my then 2 month old firstborn didn’t have any breast milk to feed on because I did not have a milk stash, so I had to resort to formula milk {my innards are squirming remembering it today}. Back then I didn’t have any other breastfeeding support system and I wasn’t aware that I can source breast milk from other breastfeeding mothers and they will be more than willing to share some of it to you and your baby {I tell you, some of the most generous people in the world are breastfeeding moms!}.

And recently the thought of retracting my decision to self-wean my firstborn because it is just too stretching for me already is another thing I’m quite “ashamed” to admit.

But allow me to just be real to you. There would be times I will withhold his “mimilks” from him and tell him he is too big and his little brother needed it more. Then, he would plead, and cry and then wail nonstop—it breaks my heart. So we nurse again, and when it becomes too difficult for me, I tell him to stop. And then the vicious cycle all over again.

See, my son is in that age where he already remembers. His brain is starting to save memories of events, emotions and experiences. And when I think about how this particular one will be etched in his memory bank, both he and I will be scarred with this one for the rest of our lives. He might not recall exactly how it went, but I believe the emotional stress it caused him will manifest in other ways as he grows. And me—well, the image of me causing that stress to him will forever nag at my mommy heart {excuse me for a moment while I cry my eyes out}.

That said, I am still at it at 3 years, 4 months and 2 days.

If I deeply look into my reason for trying to wean my firstborn now after this long, it mainly is about me. While I understand the importance of taking care of myself too, I honestly feel selfish about it. And at the moment, we are going through some testings in our parenting, and taking away the one thing that makes my child secure, understood and loved just feels barbaric to me.

While I take your concern in good faith, please do not judge me in my decision to breastfeed my children until they decide to wean on their own. Because I know one day they will, and it will definitely be a bittersweet moment which I am not ready for yet. Full term breastfeeding may be the road less traveled, even by breastfeeding mothers. This is now what I am standing up for in my breastfeeding advocacy.

Looking back at my breastfeeding journey, I am blessed for how God has sustained me this long. After all, the Lord has given such a sweet promise to His chosen people through the illustration of breastfeeding:

“that you may nurse and be satisfied
    from her consoling breast;
that you may drink deeply with delight
    from her glorious abundance.”

~ Isaiah 66:11 English Standard Version

This is the same word God gave me when I was still pregnant with my firstborn. And this is what I held on to all this time.

3 years, 4 months and 2 days. It has so far been such a beautiful and enriching journey as a woman, a mother and a child of God.

To all you mommas who keep on breastfeeding,

even when it is painful

even when it is exhausting

even when it is punishing,

no matter how long…

know that you are treading on a glorious path that will strengthen you for tougher days ahead. And I congratulate you for doing a wonderful job nurturing your child. :)

And in celebration of the World Breastfeeding Week and the National Breastfeeding Month, I say,

“Walk proud and nurse on!”