How do I even start?
The past weeks leading up to this day has been a rollercoaster of sorts for me. Inwardly. My close circle, whom I would pester on Viber early in the morning to ask crazy stuff, understands this. Truth be told, I’ve been quite emotional. I actually tried to diagnose myself because I just might be experiencing postpartum depression, but aside from the up and down mood swings, I am far from it. I’m not masking it with my happy posts on Facebook or IG–I am really happy. It’s just that there’s this perpetual unexplainable sadness that I can’t quite pinpoint where it comes from. And it grew more intensely when this month started.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I love that I get to stay at home and serve my family–be hands-on in everything. I love that I still get to contribute financially in the household somehow. I love that I get to do what I want like write and advocate my passions. I love that I am present in every milestone and setback in parenting my boys. I love that I can still reach out to others even through cyberspace. I love that regardless of the times we meet and talk, I know I still have friends. I love that at the end of the day, I lay down in bed, cramped and nuzzled between my children and husband, that this is the life I have always wanted.
But still there’s this sadness.
I wanted to run away. Be alone. Detach. Find a happy place. I mean, really happy I’m laughing ridiculously. But it’s confusing because I am right smack in the middle of my happy place.
Until my brilliant cousin named it…the birthday blues. I’m not even aware there was such a “syndrome” but by the sound of it, it’s legit.
I would become weepy at the slightest trigger. I would feel anxious about days to come. I would think of extreme conditions that could happen. I would feel so affected by the pains around me that I can’t sit still without doing anything. I would doubt my capability as a wife and a mother. I wonder what else should I be doing that I am not yet doing. In other words, I’m a wreck!
Then this morning in my devotion, I cried to God. Cried shamelessly (it was good that I didn’t wake my family with my wails). Begged the Lord to tell me what this is all about. Why this emotion? Am I just being a drama queen? Do I want a grand celebration on my birthday that I just keep denying the desire? Should I recognize this feeling and succumb to it or should I fight it? Where was this coming from? I asked Him to give me assurance that I’m not going crazy and that there’s really something He wants me to focus on. I cried and begged and sought the Lord to speak to me through His word and He led me to a very familiar verse:
The Lord Our Shepherd
23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.
2 He lets me rest in fields of green grass
and leads me to quiet pools of fresh water.
3 He gives me new strength.
He guides me in the right paths,
as he has promised.
4 Even if I go through the deepest darkness,
I will not be afraid, Lord,
for you are with me.
Your shepherd’s rod and staff protect me.5 You prepare a banquet for me,
where all my enemies can see me;
you welcome me as an honored guest
and fill my cup to the brim.
6 I know that your goodness and love will be with me all my life;
and your house will be my home as long as I live.~ Psalm 23 Good News Translation
This verse has never been more personal to me until this morning. Rhema in every line! Oh and look, even if I’m not having a celebration, He already has prepared a banquet for me. A BANQUET! I love it when the Lord assures His beloved children. I literally felt the Lord whisper verse 6 in my ear with intense love. He truly is the Lover of my soul.
So I just kept reading and allowed the Spirit remind me of His promises, then I read Isaiah. You know when He speaks, He just speaks. And I did not go away without being rebuked:
“The Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says to the people, “Come back and quietly trust in me. Then you will be strong and secure.” But you refuse to do it.”
~ Isaiah 30:15 Good News Translation
I read that in verse in NIV, KJV, NASB, ESV, CEV, NLT, MSG but GNT hit me the hardest. It was then that the Lord brought me back to the days when I was so occupied I had no time for Him. When those doubts and insecurities would emerge, it was those moments when my prayer and meditation was hurried. Instead of going back to Him, I would try to inspire myself with other things but Him. Yikes! How could I do such a thing to a holy, sovereign, magnificent, glorious, loving God? The sinfulness of this nature, being in a fallen world! All I can do is ask for His forgiveness and mercy (so glad it is new every morning!) and I can go on with my life because of the grace I have received through Jesus!
I immediately felt reconciled to the Lord again as if I never left His presence at all. The joy of my salvation being renewed. Oh what amazing grace!
But the sadness is still there. And it is stinging all the more. I asked God some more and he answered:
“22 Let all the world look to me for salvation!
For I am God; there is no other.”~ Isaiah 45:22 New Living Translation
The sadness, the pain, the suffering I am affected with is real. This is the direction He opens up to me just when I was asking what He wants me to do on my 31st year on earth. How Lord? Where do I start? Here I go again with this endless question in my life. Then as I was browsing through IG, this made me fall to my knees:
Wow! I realized all that I am passionate about, things that I fight for, all come from one deepest pain…loss. Regardless of what nature, when the pain is caused by loss, I am most definitely rattled. Loss of lives, loss of basic needs, loss of hope, loss of innocence, loss of human right, loss of faith. I am not sure exactly how this will pan out, my thoughts are so wide that it actually is illogical and impossible for me to do. But I have read somewhere that you would know it is a call from God when it is illogical and impossible that you can only accomplish it supernaturally through Him. But the one goal has never changed: TELL THE WORLD ABOUT JESUS!
The Lord has forgiven and healed me from “that” deepest pain. If His purpose would need me to rip open scars of the past to heal someone today and bring them back to Himself, then so be it. I will leave it up to the Lord when it is time. To which part of the world? I don’t know. I will be still and listen.
Half of the year just passed and looking back at my three decades (and a day) of existence, I saw God’s hand upon me since when I was a teeny weeny peanut in my mother’s womb. He has kept me safe and rescued me during painful moments, redeemed me from my darkest days and blessed me with this life I have now.
I am in awe of God’s faithfulness to me all these years. Since the day I gave my life to Jesus, he has kept His promise for me from Jeremiah 29:11. Though at times I fail and disappoint Him, His love for me never fails and His blessings for me are not forfeited. Hooray!
It helps that I start this day (and the next days) with an attitude of gratefulness. So thank you Jesus for the birthday blues because it brought me back to your truth. However this day transpires, this IS the day You have made! I will rejoice and be glad in it! :)
Meemaaaaiiii!!! Staycation! God’s love! God’s truth! Family! Poging husband! Super adorable babies! Staycation! Dali na!! Let’s count our blessings together! :)
Happy birthday, dear. I’m always one viber message away when you’re sad and blue. Kantahan kita, “why do birds suddenly appear..” :) You are soooo loved, don’t ever forget that.
You are one of the very few I cherish as “friends forever”, alam mo yan hahaha! Yes! Set na 3rd week of July and let’s count our blessings one by one. :)
FOREVER *PINKYSWEARRRR*
I can so relate. Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts. This ministered to me, too! You are right in the center of God’s will — doing your best in this season. May you flourish more!
Praise the Lord that we can run to Him to refresh us every time. Looking forward to having fellowship with you soon Ninang! :*
Happy birthday, Ate Meemai! Right timing! Thanks for writing this, I was going through the same (I don’t have a husband and two kids yet but I hear you). His steadfast love is new every morning! WHEW! Love you, Ate! Keep on inspiring us!
Thank you Allison! Listen, trust and obey. Then I’ll see you at the front line! :) Love you Allison! *hugs*